Depression (2026-06-06)

(Safe, just trying to get to the bottom of my struggles with the weekend.)

Often in therapy, I am asked what help do I need, what would help life be better. My usual answer is I would like to enjoy life, but so far nothing I have found helps with that. But there is some structure to my struggles, often on weekdays I manage to get by, or at least not think about my depression. There is work which makes me feel like I have accomplished something, and the things I find easy (programming) come in useful. And of course, I have managers who try to keep me on track and doing work.

But come the weekend, and I have none of that, politely all I want to do is not exist, or at least skip over the weekend. I just struggle with the tasks I need to do, such as mop/vacuum the floors, or in general know what to do with myself. I am struggling with my hobby projects, mostly just struggling to find the energy to progress with them, and the confidence in myself. I don’t go out to meet people, because I don’t know how, and the times I did it, it was just difficult. Besides, it would just be more people upset about my suicide.

It just all seems unnecessary, and especially when I am trying to fall asleep, difficult. Cruel, even. But I carry on, for the people who would be sad about my passing, if not for myself. And because taking my life is difficult. If only we had the choice before being alive, to say if we wanted to be so, paradox it may be.

So I suppose my answer would be, to not have weekends. I might not be able to live for myself, so let’s not have the pretense of trying to, at least I could put my skills to use helping others.

• Depression
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