(Safe, just trying to get to the bottom of my struggles with the weekend.)

Often in therapy, I am asked what help do I need, what would help life be better. My usual answer is I would like to enjoy life, but so far nothing I have found helps with that. But there is some structure to my struggles, often on weekdays I manage to get by, or at least not think about my depression. There is work which makes me feel like I have accomplished something, and the things I find easy (programming) come in useful. And of course, I have managers who try to keep me on track and doing work.

(I should say I’m safe, just lonely.)

No idea for whom, what or even why. Maybe for someone to feel less alone. But for me oestrogen has helped be less depressed on average. Not this week. It has been a lot, without anything specific being much. Work went okay, if I were to recall other things besides work I’m sure they went okay too.

But I felt unable to connect to others or even myself, which is a big ongoing problem for me. I have tried a lot of what life has on offer and it seems like programming is the only thing marginally enjoyable, but sometimes I get tired and burnt out from it.